Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Johnny’s Life

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

My new favorite blog, Johnny’s Life, is written by a 10-year-old Lebanese/Swedish/American boy (who also happens to be my, like, 3rd cousin) who goes to the American Community School (ACS) here in Beirut. I have to say – I am impressed almost to tears. Perhaps, at 30, my perspective is shot, but I just do not remember being concerned about the environment or using semi-colons perfectly at 10 years old!

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This blog gives us a peek into a a fresh mind belonging to a writer who is bright (he believes his dogs have ‘a right to freedom’), critical (see “Un fair”), descriptive (plenty o’ adjectives and even a keen eye with the camera), sensitive (‘Have you ever experienced the beauty of walking in the beach on the big rocks?’), and culturally aware (‘I am so happy that some people offered to clean the beach in the Cornich in Lebanon for free’). Besides an eagerness to reach out to the world through his blog, he also seems to have a special fondness for hamsters…

Creating Balance

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

One of my students and (loyal) reader of this blog complained that I complain about Lebanon in the same way his cousin from the U.S. does. You’ve been a little harsh about Lebanon. What!? I’ve been balanced, I thought! I’m not a Lebanon-hater! On the contrary! I can hardly pull myself away from this precious place (acadinyeh drip from the trees now and the coffee vendor needs to finish the story he started this morning…). I can hardly pull myself away even though impatient car horns invade my apartment just after sunrise; even though I am prey in a jungle of men; even though I don’t have equal rights; even though

I said, “I mean, for example, we all know that driving 100 km per hour down a side street is wrong and dangerous. But here the common attitude is ‘What are we going to do? It’s always been like this…’ and I just don’t believe in that.”

“Yeah, actually, this morning I was in a service and the driver complained about the car in front of him that climbed up on the trattoire to get around the traffic: ‘Leik, leik heda shoo 3am ya3meel… Hed’el baled…’ But then, after a few minutes, my service driver did the same thing,” he said.

We laughed at this. This is something my grandfather does all the time. So what does this mean? We all complain about the same things, but the possibilities seem different. Whereas in Chicago I would most likely get a ticket for climbing the sidewalk with my car (either a policeman or a traffic surveillance camera would be around the corner), here I don’t have to worry, because there will be no consequences. If there is a policeman, he will ask, “Why are you in such a rush?” and then go back to his text messaging. Just more of the same ol’.

EVERYONE complains about traffic – it seems to be the one common complaint all Lebanese can agree on. It’s exemplary. Without enforced rules of the road, we are the kings and queens and lawmakers: I’m first! I have the right of way at all times! Move it!!! The road seems to be indicative of the failure of the adage, It’s always been this way

I guess I’m a diehard optimist – I believe in change, ok? And you know how that begins? With a critique… And eventually…?

But what else did my student witness me complain about? Sexism, macho men, mistreatment of maids, defacement of public property? Where am I being harsh? Why is he defending things that we know are wrong… and are alive and well in this country? What about self-critique?

One of my friends, who lived his whole life in Lebanon before moving to New Jersey in his late twenties, and who is an architect, so pays keen attention to his aesthetic surroundings, said this once: “Why is it when Lebanese leave Lebanon, they can be organized?”

We had just picked him up from the airport and he was soaking in the surroundings of the drive to the village, which included abandoned bent-out-of-shape highway railings, teetering signs, a mountain of garbage. He’s the guy who started a Web site for our village years ago (when only a few people had Internet); he steps up onto his rooftop and paints the landscape of what is Ain el Delb, Abra, and Mieh Mieh. He is obsessed with starting things that are in honor of Lebanon – check his Web sites: Canaanite.org and LebRecord. But he complains. And it’s because there’s an ache – that throbs in the knowledge that there is so much possibility.

Recently, my American coworker and office mate confessed that she’s ready to get outta Lebanon. She’s only been here since September. But she’s had her run of distasteful experiences, the latest being trampled by a mob of people outside of City Mall. But she seems to fail to remember that she is not in the U.S. She is consistently astonished by the way things work here and the absence of the cushy, overabundant life so many of us enjoy in the States. Just the other day, in the middle of her complaint, I told her to stop. I said, “You’ve been complaining ever since you stepped foot in Lebanon.” And then I went on my “This is a wonderful country if you allow it to show you its good side” spiel and pontificated, “You’re not in America! You are a foreigner in a foreign country, so you go by the rules here.” She said, you’re right, you’re right. I should give it a chance.

Two days later she yelped one of her exclamations from her desk. Apparently, someone had left her a gift. She said that just a few days earlier she had told a random girl on the street how much she liked her scarf. In her characteristic overly friendly way, my co-worker shamelessly introduced herself by name and place of occupation and told her that if she could find her one, she’d pay her back. In all her politeness and characteristic Lebanese generosity, the girl came by and left her the scarf that she had admired. And I thought, should I say something? Of course. “See…” and she laughed and said, “I know… I’ve gotta remember that there are good things…”

I was perplexed. I defend it to those who complain and complain to those who defend. In both circumstances it is automatic and sincere.

It is good to maintain balance…

10 Common Complaints by Foreigners in Lebanon

  1. I almost get killed 10x a day on the road!
  2. I walk through AUB because it’s the only green space in the city.
  3. I’m only buying organic fruits and vegetables!
  4. Ugh, I was writing an e-mail! I always forget that the electricity goes out at 12 (and 3 and 6)…
  5. The taxi driver hit on me and then put a gun to my face and took my 2000LL!
  6. My housekeeper puts my utensils in strange places!
  7. I can’t pay my student loans on this salary!
  8. I wish we had a Walmart… or a Target…
  9. Iran (and affiliates)
  10. The government…
  11. Lebanese are so…

10 Common Complaints by Natives in Lebanon

  1. Does he think this is his father’s road?!
  2. Beirut is a garage. This is why I live in the daii3a.
  3. Organic fruits and vegetables are a ghalwajeh! And who knows if they’re really organic…
  4. Yil3an saheeb el motor…
  5. Chauffeur el taxi saar 3am byakhoud 2000 LL!
  6. My maid talks too loudly to her friends from the balcony.
  7. I can’t even pay my wife’s coiffure on this salary…
  8. We wish we had Shebaa Farms back…
  9. Israel (and affiliates)
  10. The government…
  11. Foreigners think they can…

Glossary

acadinyeh: a small oblong yellow-orange fruit that tastes like a peach and a lemon and a bumblebee had babies. you pluck them from the tree and deposit directly into your mouth and spit out one or two marble-smooth brown seeds.

Leik, leik heda shoo 3am ya3meel… Hed’el baled: Look, look at this guy what he’s doing… this freaking country…

daii3a: village

ghalwajeh: a rip-off

Yil3an saheeb el motor: Damn the generator guy

Chauffeur el taxi saar 3am byakhoud 2000 LL!: The taxi driver is now taking 2000LL!

Bob’s Tips for Writing

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Just a few nights ago, I was commiserating with my friend about the burden of a writer’s life – writing! How difficult it is to believe in yourself; to set goals and a writing schedule; to say something; to start. All in all, to become a committed writer requires constant self-inflicted psychological manipulations and pep-talks. This of course is not the first time I have this conversation. The last time I had it, over a drink in Kayan with my friend Bob, the following post came to fruition.

With exactly two months left in Beirut’s tenure as “World Book Capital,” here is CER’s contribution to the cause…

Come by Cafe Younes on first Wednesdays of the month, 8 p.m. for open mic night.

By Bob

There are no rules. It doesn’t matter what you write, who you’re writing for or why you want to write. Everyone is different. This list is a list of what worked for me and of what I learnt from the writing process. I hope they help. But they are not a list of rules.

Yes, everyone is different. It may help to read about the writing habits of other writers, if nothing else to demonstrate how differently they go about their task. I’d recommend the Paris Review volumes for this, from which I learnt, amongst many other gems, that Hemingway wrote standing up.

Writing is a journey. If this sounds corny as hell, well, so be it. But I repeat: writing is a journey. Before I started writing regularly, I used to think “How can I write a book that has to be 100,000 words?” It would take me too long – years – I thought, and I would never be able to cope with anything that big. But as soon as I started writing regularly – after a couple of weeks or so – I realized that I was comforted by the fact that the journey had started. I didn’t know where the journey would take me, but I was on the move, and that was all that mattered.

There is no set length for a book. OK, a novel should, broadly speaking, be at least 80,000 words, but once it gets going, you’ll find that worries about its length will evaporate.

It doesn’t matter if what you want to write isn’t fully planned before you write it. I would even go so far as to say that it doesn’t need a plan at all. About ten years ago, I read a book called “How to write a novel”. It gave a detailed description of what one had to do before the actual writing. But because I never managed to do all those things (character portrayal, intricate plot layout etc) I didn’t write. How could I? I hadn’t followed the ‘rules’. So for ten years I was ‘prevented’ from writing by reading a book on how to write.

Writing creates writing. The story can only come out if words, sentences and paragraphs are on the page. Ideas will come from the process of writing, from translating semi-thoughts into words on paper (or screen). It may well be the case that the ‘real’ story doesn’t appear to you until you’ve got a substantial chunk of it down on paper. That’s when detailed planning – of the rest of it – comes into it’s own.

Try and write at regular times. It doesn’t have to be absolutely precise, but more so than “sometime in the morning”. I was a teacher when I wrote my book. I was fortunate enough to have a clear timetable on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, so I could be back home by 3 o’clock on those days. That meant I knew there was no excuse not to be writing by 4. I would also write on Saturday mornings, starting, again approximately, at 11am.

Set a target for each writing session. I told myself that I couldn’t stop until I’d done 1,000 words. In a straight run, that would take about an hour-and-a half. But often it would take longer. It didn’t matter if I got up to make a cup of coffee, or look out the window, or even – briefly – chat to my flatmate, I knew that I could only stop once I’d clocked up 1,000 words. That way, I knew I’d be getting through 3,000 words a week, at least 12,000 words a month, and if it necessary, at least 144,000 words a year. It also helps with point (3) above. But it doesn’t matter if it’s not 1,000: 500 is still a lot.

If a voice in your head is saying “I can’t write”, then start writing but tell yourself that you’re pretending to write. Go on saying this until that first voice disappears. And it will.

Don’t edit too early. Try and avoid going over what you’ve written in the previous session, otherwise there’s a danger you won’t get anywhere. Just read the last few lines, make sure you’re happy with those, and then start.

You’re allowed a bad day. You’re allowed several bad days. If you think “Oh my God, what I just wrote was terrible”, then chances are it wasn’t as bad as you thought it was. But even if it was, what does 1,000 words matter in a book that’s going to be 80,000 long? You’ll be able to edit out the ‘bad’ stuff when you’re ready to.

Pick a handful of people whose judgment you trust and show them what you’ve done. You may find it difficult, as I certainly did, to write the whole thing without wanting or needing someone else to read what you’ve written thus far. Remember, though, that writing is a highly emotional matter – or it is for me, anyway – so be prepared that they not might be as totally committed to your book as you are. Some will be flippant, some won’t get it. But if you’re reasonably happy with it, then so will someone else, and they’ll offer constructive, thoughtful comments.

Once you feel as though you’ve finished a first draft, leave it for a while. It may be a few weeks or a few months. You need to create emotional distance between you and the work, so that when you come back to it, you see it with fresh eyes. That way you’ll better know the difference between what really works and what doesn’t.

You can do it. I know this because I did it.

About the Author:

Bob left University in 1995 and then spent six years working for the UK Labour Party – between 1995 and 2001. In the latter years he worked at 10 Downing St, as a ‘Special Adviser to the Prime Minister.’ After that, he worked for a while at the BBC and then as a teacher – when he somehow found time to write a book (an “everyman” story about a young man who found his way in the political arena next to Tony Blair – hitherto unpublished). In his late 30’s he decided to come to Beirut where he currently works and has long-winded discussions over whiskeys at Kayan.

Beirut of the Middle East

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

The Arab Cultural Center in Paris

After the French mandate in Lebanon, Beirut was lovingly described as “The Paris of the Middle East”. This made sense since for in their short time here, the French splashed Lebanon with their architecture, language, education system, and an overall feeling of superiority and class. Since, in Lebanon there have been wars and occupation, destruction and reconstruction, a new global order that adopts global commodities and English; nonetheless, this name sticks! Perhaps the reason is that many Lebanese long for the days passed, when things were more uniform and “world class” – where “made in France” was a faborable identity that indicated first-class quality at home and approval by the others, across the sea. And often it is these “others” who remind the world of this appellation, who have turned many heads toward “The Paris of the Middle East” and sparked intrigue – How can a city in the conservative Middle East resemble the likes of Paris? Well, just like any city that has been occupied, layers of cultural remnants have been left behind. However, just underneath these layers, in its true essence, Beirut does not resemble Paris and, I would venture to say, never really did. So can we all get over it? Can we deal with just being Beirut, no fancy labels attached?

The List

Dog Doo-doo

The French do not like to pick up their dog’s doo-doo. And, neither do the Lebanese! Though I found this to be true (almost, several times, the hard way!) in the three cities I visited in France, my discovery was made in Paris. One would expect more civilized behavior and attention to detail from the same people who design velvet wines, elegant chocolates, the massive Louvre, and the iconic Eiffel Tower. But no, while walking you must keep one eye on the sidewalk for random soft brown piles, whether in form or smeared! Now, you might say, well there you go! A similarity! However, I would like to hypothesize that the reasons underlying this negligence are contrary. While the French, in their laissez-faire way, leave doo-doo on the sidewalk to “take its own course,” the Lebanese just figure Sukleen will pick it up.

Etiquette and Manners


I did not encounter the infamously cranky manners of the French until the very last day. In fact, my exchanges with the French were mostly very pleasant and had absolutely nothing to do with all that I had heard about them, and especially their hatred for Americans. My friend tells me that they’ve changed over the years. But, on my final day, I failed to greet the woman behind the counter of a Charles de Gualle café with Bonjour! “N’avez pas baguettes?” (You see how canned my French is?). “BONJOUR MADAME!” she replied with a deadpan face. I thought, now we’re talking! This is the cranky self-righteous reaction I’ve been waiting for! I had not had enough sleep. I just stared at her with deadly Arab eyes, which said: I don’t have to say BONJOUR! What are you, the greeting-gestapo?! You don’t even pick up your dog’s doo-doo!!!

I imagined the same situation happening in Beirut. Except I would be buying a man’ouche rather than a baguette. I wouldn’t say Marhaba. I would get up on my tip toes to see the face of the man behind the smudged plexiglass case filled with spinach pies, et al. I would just say, “Wahdeh Fajita” (my fave Man’ouche). The man would say “3ala raseh!” (literally, “on my head”; aka, “whatever you want, I’m at your service!”) – even if he felt like saying “BONJOUR MADAME!” Then he would yell to someone to slide one into the kiln. One minute later, I’d walk away with a man’ouche wrapped in greasy paper in a plastic bag.

Displays of Affection


Just like in the movies, in Paris you’ll regularly find a man and woman locked in a warm embrace and kiss, as if that moment in time was designed just for them. In Lebanon, this is a broad daylight no-no. However, at night, under the cover of a pub or club, you can see any two mauling each other, no problem. As far as other displays of affection go, a guy from the Dominican Republic whom I met while asking for directions summed up the French’s conservativeness. Expressing his disdain for the French’s lack of enthusiasm in relation to his hot-blooded brethren, he explained, “In the Dominican, people run and jump on you. They’re excited! Here people…” here he leaned forward and mocked two tight cheek kisses. Then he scowled, “Tres, tres francais.” I think if he visited Lebanon, he might feel more at home, though I don’t know if anyone will actually jump on him; but at least he’ll get one extra kiss and a warm and boisterous welcome. Ya Ahlaaaaa!

Preservation and Architecture


In Lebanon these days, if you leave for a few months, you’ll come back to a new café that has replaced a leather goods store that has been in business for the past 40 years; perhaps a parking lot in place of the oldest garden in Beirut (as was threatened with the Sanayeh Garden); or an enormous MedBank banner plastered in front of a landmark bookstore (Khayat) just across from the American University of Beirut. Beirut is growing and everything “old” is being knocked out of the way and replaced with bigger, faster, and more lucrative. Amongst much else, the French architecture that paints our landscape may one day be no longer. And the days of “Paris of the Middle East” will be without a trace.

In Paris, the Louvre blew my mind away. When I was poking my students last semester to articulate why they were unnerved by the consistent demolition of their history, though they were sure it was important, they found it difficult to answer why it mattered to have a physical memory of their country’s history. I believe that if they stood in the square of the Louvre, they may have found the words, as they would be transported into another time and place that can only be felt with the physical brick and mortar surrounding them.

Language


As I was born and raised in the U.S. with my Arabic-speaking parents, I was lucky to become bilingual. As the world opened up, this became more and more of an advantage for Americans. My third language, which I studied in high school and college was French. I chose French because I knew my Lebanese counterparts were also speaking French, and perhaps way back then I knew I would be in Lebanon for a while. However, my counterparts are far ahead of me in that many are fluent in all three languages – Arabic, French, and English. Which means that they can write, study, work, and speak in any of these languages – and navigate many different places fluidly. Meanwhile, I stuttered my way through Paris with canned French. And though the French people of my generation often spoke English, most people spoke only French. We communicated somehow, and I was happy to finally practice using this language that I had stored away for so long. But I thought, I don’t know how long I could last in a place where I couldn’t express myself properly – and in Beirut, I have three languages to use to that end…

Champs Elysees and Hamra


In his final research paper on Hamra’s change in identity, one of my students said that Hamra was once like the Champs Elysees, and lamented how today this is not the case. Now, when a student makes such a claim, I assume that someone told him this, as he wasn’t alive during the “Paris of the Middle East” days. This comparison, to say the least, is hyperbolic and based on simple hearsay. And if one were to explain this comparison as simply “symbolic,” why then the Champs Elysees and not Michigan Avenue or Park Avenue or some other famous street with cafes and shopping and framed by famous architectural sites? Because the Lebanese are obsessed with being identified with the French! In case someone mistaken us for Arabs!

Racism and Irony

Here in Lebanon, we have a problem with racism. Haha, this is funny – because it’s an understatement! A gross one! We actually have a form of slavery taking place in these parts (conversely, is this a hyperbole? I don’t think so). Where domestic maids, mostly African, Southeast Asian, and Indian, regularly commit suicide due to abuse they receive from their “Madame” or “Sir.” If they are not being obviously physically, mentally, or sexually abused, they trail their employers with bags and children while Madame and Sir swing their hips to and fro, their soft manicured hands at their sides. And if they’re not being obviously abused or used as a portable coat hanger, they have very difficult working hours – often from waking to sleeping, they are “serving.” And if all of these things do not exist in the life of a maid in Lebanon, they at the very least have no passport because it’s taken away upon entry so she doesn’t flee; she is paid very little in comparison to the amount of work she does; and her bedroom is rarely bigger than an extra closet space. And certainly, in society (including the wider Middle East), she is looked at as just a maid, and very rarely a human. I am just stating the facts. Yes, of course there are the few who are treated decently or who prefer this life to the former. But that’s not saying much. You can see it in their faces. If you are African or Indian or Asian in Lebanon, you are assumed to be a domestic worker. And that’s it.

In Paris, there is no apparent difference in social level between black and white people. And it is common to see interracial couples (something still rare in the U.S. and practically nonexistent here). Further, nobody has maids except for the very rich. In fact, the racism in France is directed toward the Arabs. The influx of North African immigrants has sparked tension between the French and North African Arabs on economic and social fronts, and mostly, due to an intense fear of “Islamization.” If you are Arab in France, you are looked at as a threat of a new cultural order to come – one in which the Arabs will be the majority in Mediterranean Europe. However, Lebanese are largely not considered “Arab” in France – reflective of the never-ending identity conundrum: are Lebanese Arabs? Aaaaakkkkhhhhh. Still, the Lebanese are not free of criticism in France, namely their apparent racism toward blacks as well as another issue that I never would have expected – food! My Jordanian-Lebanese-American friend who currently lives with his wife in Paris asked me if we microwave everything in Lebanon. I was incredulous. What???? Our food??? The one thing nobody complains about?! “In Paris, every time I go to a Lebanese restaurant, the food is microwaved.” Well, that’s in Paris, buddy. That’s another reason we’re different!

Graffiti


Fashion


Paris, being one of the fashion capitals of the world, holds true to its name with sleek lines, intricately designed simplicity and rich fabrics. A ruffle here, dainty buttons there, a zipper on the back of a shirt. Small poignant details that accent and flair, not cover or splash. Has anyone heard of strass? This is the French word for rhinestones, which is a Lebanese obsession. They can be found adorning accessories, jewelry, shoes, and clothes in countless Beirut window fronts! You’ll also find them in a bride’s hair or her wedding invitation. The more strass – bling – the better!

Parisians love black – from head to toe! Here, if I wear all black, I get countless inquiries during the day about who died? In Beirut you’ll find a  daring attitude in dress. You might walk by a woman in a red blouse over red skin tight capris and a big belt holding it together, all balanced atop a pair of skinny heels. Or a woman wearing a sherwal with big chunky brass jewelry. While in Paris, people’s apparel attracts one to come closer to touch and notice the smooth fabrics and flaring accents, which say I know my limits, in Beirut, one is completely exposed to the bold statements made, mostly indicating I’m ready.

Joie de Vivre

In Paris as in Beirut, the joie de vivre is palpable. In Paris you see it in its exquisite pastries and spend it in two hour lunch breaks every day. You see it in the countless cafes filled with tete-a-tete’s. You taste it in aged cheeses and rich artery-clogging cuisine. The patience in detail around you expands time. While Parisians drink life like a fine wine, slowly and with attention to the detail that produces it, Lebanese drink life like a homemade glass of Arak, with a gusto for the fierce and potent and that which feels very close to home and the earth. You hear it in the cacophony of 10-20 voices speaking at once at a family gathering. It is inspired by strong white-capped mountains that jut out above and beyond the expansive sea. You taste it in a stuffed grape leaf rolled by a pair of the many hands of the great cooks in your life. You dance with it all the way down Gemmayze street and through Hamra. You tell your family and friends back home all about it.

Paris of Europe

Monday, February 1st, 2010

Enjoy these pics from Paris while I prepare a funny and curious look at the Paris of Europe in comparison to the “Paris of the Middle East.”

A pyramid just in the middle of le Louvre...

Mmmm, yuuummmmmm. Apricots et pistache!

Chocolate, with a sense of humor!

The perfect Parisian cafe.

Le Louvre under the full moon.

Who is this guy?

A pharaoh, taking a break. "You want pics, you give tips!"

So cool!

TECHNOLOGY!

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Dear Gracious Readers,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read CER. If you’re interested in getting updates each time the blog is updated, please take 30 seconds to sign up for automatic notices. In the sidebar here to your right, under “Subscribe,” click on “e-mail.”

Thank you and enjoy the latest post below, “This Is the Year”!

Rima

“This Is the Year”

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

It is a new year and predictions of an impending spring or summer war with Israel are swirling, as is customary at the dawn of a bright new year for us veterans of war, pessimists, newbies, and conspiracy theorists here in Lebanon. The predictions are not restricted to hearsay, but also formal discussion.  Each peaceful new year brings fresh and increased money, backpackers, longings from the diaspora, multi-apartment building complexes, memories, pubs, dancing limbs, plans and commensurately an increased paranoia that the house of cards will fall and splay. This year, people swear about an impending war, as if for the first time: “I never believe it, but I think this is the year.”

Has the Lebanese-Israeli-Iran politics/news changed much in the last few years? I mean, I quit reading Lebanese news regularly after the tent city came down in 2008. But every time I take a gander, it seems like I just took a bathroom break and came back; I can keep up with the news like one keeps up with Days of Our Lives: same characters, who are at each others’ throats, have come back from the dead or from prison, or are cheating on their partners! Iran continues its nuclear technology campaign; Hizbollah continues to expand its capabilities; the Lebanese government…whatever. Of course, the script is loaded with new dialogue and suspense-building rhetoric! Nasrallah threatens that if Lebanon or Iran is attacked, the retaliation will “change the face of the Middle East region.” And supposedly, June 2010 is the deadline for Israel’s patience with Iran. Meanwhile, Lebanon has been told on several occasions and in so many ways by Israel that next time they’re bothered, all of Lebanon will pay – for their support and tolerance of the Party of God.

In July 2006, during the 33-day war between Israel and Lebanon, I was in Chicago. I was teaching by day and working at a Middle Eastern restaurant/night club by night. Through the haze of shisha smoke, I watched people dance to “Raje3, raje3 yit3amar, raje3 Libnan…” while it was being bombed away in real life. And people came up and offered their condolences or told me how their family was from Bint Jbail where the intense bombing occurred. The music bang- banged in my head. I would come home in the wee hours and turn on CNN, which showed footage of frenzied anchormen in Israeli scenes of people wheeled into emergency vehicles. And the rest was aerial views of Lebanon going up in smoke. I wasn’t the only one who cried from a distance for our country. I believe that the war of July 2006 was not preceded with the paranoia that has persisted since. Whereas that war was “restrained” to targeting infrastructure and Hizbollah, the next promises less restraint. Yes, there are reasons to worry.

But while the separate parties broadcast their defenses, our individual defense strategies kick up like party shoes. Whether we claim “This is the year” or “No way, that’s what everyone says every year,” the reality is that it’s very possible that we may soon be sitting under an assault that surpasses July 2006 or inside a regional war that may actually change the face of the region. And change the face of our lives as we know them. And which no doubt, a la Pat Robertson, The Party of God or/and the Israelis (depending on who comes out on top), will surely attribute it to GOD’s divine will. This is what we’re dealing with…

Will this year be the year? I hope it’s never the year. We are a people, a land. We are people in a beautiful land with families and homes and history and lives. With breakfast, bike rides, and tetas. And people say “This is the year” like it’s normal! Like everyone is used to it!  And so do you get it when I say I’ve become the typical Leb because despite the grim possibilities and the fear-mongering and the U.S. terror list and the wagging ragging fingers, I’ll be hitting Dany’s tonight and maybe head over to Walima for a tango dance…

My Brothers

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

I do not believe that a taxi driver has made an appearance in this blog. Alas, just as in any lane of traffic, he has forced himself into this one.

It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my way to the village. Luckily it wasn’t raining in the way that flips your umbrella into a large spasming tulip, but it was still an early dark evening with heavy holiday traffic, and I was burdened with several different-sized bags whose handles laced through my fingers or bottoms rested on top of other bags. I and another woman hailed down every taxi that drove by; in turn, we shouted our destinations, which happened to be close in proximity. Yet, taxi after taxi rejected us until finally one hit the breaks in the middle of traffic and gruffly gestured us in.

The regular indiscriminate act of hailing any taxi and getting in will never be so regular and indiscriminate again.

“Sir, I have a lot of bags…could you please pull over to the side?”

The walrus driving the taxi did not reply. Standing outside of the car, leaning closer in, I tried again. Perhaps he didn’t hear. I wouldn’t know, because after raising my voice, he still did not reply. I sighed and began putting my bags into the front seat, one by one, and then my leg…

“Leave them outside and I’ll put them in the trunk,” he finally spoke, meanwhile not budging.

We were still in the middle of the street. Okkkkay, I thought. So, I pulled my leg back out of the car and began to pull my bags out as well, but I mentioned that I didn’t understand exactly what he wanted.

PUT THEM OUTSIDE AND I’LL PUT THEM IN THE TRUNK!!!!! He bellowed.

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I quickly grabbed my bags and snapped, “I am not going anywhere with you!” and pushed the rusty door shut with my foot and swore his sister’s genitalia (my least favorite and most politically incorrect swear word/phrase, but the first I can find as I don’t usually swear in Arabic).

I fumbled back to my original hail-down corner in a huff to await another taxi. I was setting my bags down, my vision blurry with exasperation, when a tall African man suddenly appeared and asked shoo saar (what happened)? I remember seeing him out of the corner of my eye standing against the wall of the pharmacy; he must have smelled trouble. My tongue coiled because when I looked up, I saw the walrus swimming toward us.

The African man began hailing a taxi for me – COLA! – referring to the bus station (which is near an old Coca Cola factory, hence the name). When luckily a taxi stopped, he quickly grabbed all of my bags, placing them in the trunk. The walrus was now on the other side of the African man, my defender, who stood between us.

“Sharmuta! (Slut!),” he spat. “You don’t swear at me!”

And on and on, his eyes dripping an oily hate as he grabbed for me to, presumably, beat me in the middle of the street. “Ma3laysh, ma3laysh,” my defender told him as he leaned over him, blocking his way to me. Apparently, altercations with taxi drivers have been common as of late. Is it road rage? The traffic has become thicker. And a nightmare for the nerves. The streets a battle field of metal and angry faces.

Fine, I shouldn’t have sworn at the guy – I was contributing to the road rage, which led to an attempted attack in the middle of the street. But, I had the bittersweet chance of witnessing a most humane act from a member of a cadre of people who spend their lives treated as slaves primarily, humans rarely. It was the lowest man in the pecking order, the African domestic worker, who actively saved me a beating from my fellow Lebanese. He was so intuitive and quick-witted. How had he known what needed to be done so quickly? And what made him care enough to put himself in the middle?

As I sat safely in the new getaway taxi, I rolled the window down to wave thank you to this man who dashed to save me without a thought of his own safety. Without asking for anything in return, in any way. But he stood with one foot back up against the wall of the pharmacy, sunken into the shadows of his own thoughts. He had silently slipped back into his place, his job done.

In the foreground, just a few feet from the taxi I sat in, was my Lebanese brother, who prepared the most insulting trifling act and launched with all his heart – I ducked and his spittle splashed the window.

New Year’s Resolutions

#58: Find that African man and give him a long-armed hug.

#59: Learn less dangerous flagrancies.

#60: To care more often to put myself in the middle.

You’ve Got Your Red, I’ve Got Mine

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

The following poem is by Tina Srouji, otherwise known as Tuna Fish. If you’ve seen her share a poem, you know that she fuses her soul into the mic. She brings her verses in handwriting. And when she’s done and her long arms have settled to her sides, you feel that she has truly communicated to you the rhythms and beats that played in her mind while writing. If you’re a writer, you are envious that she has the capability to reach so far inside of herself to connect to the entire audience. The following poem genuinely captures the harlequin, schizophrenic, unabashed nature of our beloved neighborhood, Hamra*. And provides a small example of  what Tina calls “a third-world revolution”…

*Hamra means “red” in Arabic :)

tinafish

Tina and listeners...

To begin with:

i-pod infiltrated signals

as feet beat up

Jean D’Arc street

and smells of sweet Socrate

creep through alleyways in the dark.

When it’s hot:

and sweat intermingles with green eyes,

and up high on their balconies foreign students

and locals exchange ciggies

and they speak,

of bullet infested cavities,

of paper week-late reveries,

of pouring more wine,

of asses so fine,

of bar hopping on side streets,

of what’s mine, theirs, and ours

and they’ll go on for hours and hours,

while floors below, cabs intermingle

escalading traffic grime,

and the heart of the city

comes to life.

What’s yours is yours but what’s yours is mine,

because every time my soul slams on those cobbled lines,

a rhyme plays in the back of my head, now disproved fact,

“step on that crack and might break your mother’s back.”

- But my mother’s just fine.

Because every time I trudge back up that deep red street,

She’s under the covers, fast asleep.

And now the allies know the schedule of the week.

They wait for me, Abu Naji down on Bliss,

he embraces me, pacing back and forth,

our relationship steady,

my cup of coffee always ready.

Bounce up to Younis:

Meet your Mac carrying, starving, struggling artist,

(a little too artsy for me)

intellectualizing more theories on

how it must be…

He looks at me,

assured, the fact is this,

my one response,

put your money where your mouth is,

and take it to the streets.

For lunch:

hit our Broadway Boulevard,

our hard concrete floors our

stores and stores and…

hey…look at that…more stores!

Our Gucci whores and Chinese made,

Our American bread and Philipino paid,

Our French speaking, Iraqi breeding,

Palestinian weeping, Iranian feeling,

German steeling to the core…

and we still got more!

We’ve got Vero Moda on four different corners,

we’ve got Vera Mada from Italian borders,

we’ve got people and people with money to spend,

and twice as much people holding out hands,

for a lend,

a thou at least?

For Mankoushi from Ghlayini?

Or maybe Warkit Ya Nasseeb

for the pretty young lady?

Brand perfumes, next event tickets,

perhaps we can satisfy you with

some Syrian brand Chiclets?

Beyond this:

I hear the crack of ceramic balls,

the calls of young men,

… about ten of them,

sticks and chalk flying,

lying around, Gitanes dangling

off lips with sips of Almaza

goes straight to the hips

Lets bet on this, I say

That things will never change

That life will always stay this way!

And we play our game,

and of course, he wins, so

Modca makes room, lets Jack and Jones in,

and our eyes grow wide as they let all this sink in

and our mouths quickly welcome the taste of evolution.

– This is the third world Revolution.

And this is only the Beginning.

We’ve got:

millions and millions of

roaches escaping busy feet,

we’ve got, millions and millions of

screams on Maghfar Hbeish Street,

we’ve got angels and we’ve got villains,

we’ve got dead ends and we’ve got bends,

we’ve got antiques and latest trends,

we’ve got tagged!

Graffiti-d Um Kulthoum walls,

we’ve got Khod, Khamsi bi3younak

and LGBT imbedded polls,

we’ve got roosters with their four a.m. wake up calls,

right behind Blue Note jazzy walls, and

we’ve got mosques, and we’ve got churches,

praying to Tika Tika painted on grimaces,

We’ve got La Senza!

We’ve got the latest push up Bra!

We’ve got, drenched out streets

smoke spiraling in the dark.

We’ve got the cold.

We’ve got the old, old, stories found

on electricity ridden stairs and the cares

of yesterday hidden under big bouncy hair.

We’ve got tearing cab seats.

We’ve got fleets of predators lurking in

the shadows for their prey

but at least say something!

We’ve got daybreak, shooting rays of pink light,

we’ve got after-hours, with glimmering star sights,

we’ve got noon, and tunes from every café, and

we’ve got the silence only found

at the end of the day.

– and we love it that way.

Because:

once they’ve all cleared the streets,

and all them Politicians have headed to sleep,

my humble feet make their way through deep red streets,

and chanting, one by one, they speak:

Lakum Hamra’akum…wa lee Homra’ee.

Post Note: If you are looking for a good Christmas gift for the literary kinds, pick up my favorite author’s, Zadie Smith’s, new collection of essays,  Changing My Mind: Occasional Essays...

An essay is an act of imagination. It still takes quite as much art as fiction – article by Zadie Smith

Anti-revolutionary Love in Revolutionary Times

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

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This is a small tribute to a one-year anniversary. The one-year anniversary of my first-ever engagement to be married. Scratch that. This is not a tribute to that. Yes, it’s true that one year ago, I and a ______ (I cannot decide how to describe him) man decided in a casual conversation that we should spend the rest of our lives together. Three days after Christmas and three days before the New Year, we bound our fingers with pretty rings. Three days after the New Year, it was over…

I want you to respect me, he said.

That man has been looking at you all night.

And you’ve been giving him the eye.

To be sure, “spend the rest of our lives together” was a fuzzy reverie, a stanza of its own, born of a heavy presumption: “this is the one.”  Each, independently, having announced to our separate worlds, definitively and by virtue of serendipity – we met in a taxi at the border of Lebanon and Syria. How does that happen and then not happen? Just like a movie, I’d say.  The taxi, the “chance” meeting, being that point in the love story when the action begins, cupid’s arrow set assail, fate’s lasso flung.  The story plays out with all its thrilling twists and turns and conflict and subsequent triumphs, then the movie ends.

You’re my best ever love, he said.

This was a mistake!

Don’t ever call me again. It’s over.

I never want to see your face again.

What was real? Desire and poise to be loved, safe, stable. Timing. A long-distance beginning, anticipation. Fantasy-making. Family approval. Trips into nature. Holding hands. Naivete. Foreigness. Obscurity. Jealousy. Blame. Rings and dates and commitments to life, to conventional things that make us feel we’re on track, normal, good in others’ unrelenting eyes. Proverbial culture clash. Judgment: He said, “I could not ‘accept’ you.” I say, you could never know me. We could never reach each other – there were too many years and oceans and cities and convictions between our lives.

It’s all your fault.

We are not only humans, we are dancer. We are products of separate geographies and choreographies. I will not call it East versus West, as this dichotomy oversimplifies our identities and pardons our small individual actions by virtue of our membership within a mammoth expanse of culture and space. Will we ever be responsible for how we treat each other? For how we see the world? Has being human become less relevant?

Love in Lebanon today is cross-eyed. In fact, my conviction of this is so strong that it inspired the title of this here blog as a result.  We are all mixed up between the images of the sweet young pure woman-in-waiting for the suave gentleman to pull up in his BMW and enter her home in humble request of her company and soon after her hand; and today’s opportunities to date and experience what, in the past, was meant for only married couples to experience. The major shift: women have new roles in the workforce, and therefore, new freedoms. And so today, love’s choreography is classic, but with a contemporary twist. But, who is making the compromises?

Recovering from this breakup often took me out into nature, for therapy. One day I was taking a walk along the corniche when I spotted a sad looking girl about my age, who was staring out into the sea. I took a seat next to her on the bench. A young man stood just across from us, leaning against the railing, holding the leashes of his two German Shepherds. With his other hand, he chucked an empty plastic water bottle into the sea. I expressed my disgust, “What, is the sea yours?” And he “apologized,” smiled and posed, shifting from leg to leg, apparently interpreting the disgusted comment as flirting. The girl sitting next to me said, “You cannot say anything. They won’t leave you alone. I came here to be alone.” I asked her if someone had made her sad, as it was obvious in her eyes and demeanor. She had a ring on her engagement finger.

“He goes with other girls and does things with them because he can’t do them with me,” she reasoned. “But, how much more can I take? I put the hijab on for him. I forgive him. I don’t see my friends anymore. I gave everything up for him.” She said it was the first time that she came to sit by the sea in months. I remember feeling aggravated and determined to push a thought into her head, words that were told to me, that gave me a push out of my own recent misery and self-deprecation over a self-righteous person: You deserve better, I told her.

She nodded and hardened her eyes, but I could still see the soft, tattered outline that indicated she needed a whole lot of strength training to believe this.

My own tattered feathers molted only with the strength and love of my family, friends, and strangers who, I found, knew me better than I knew myself in one way or another. And also knew the kind of person who I had dealt with – one who shames and blames, only after getting his way – far better than I had. They surprised me. Everyone from my 77-year-old grandfather to the stranger on the plane who I recounted the whole story to, told me the same thing: You deserve better. Why hadn’t I come up with that on my own?

This new view reminds you that, particularly in matters of the heart, your interpretations are at the mercy of your insecurities, ignorance, and mostly – your desires – not your good sense. Example: Whenever my and this person’s proverbial “cultures clashed,” which bespoke our roles as man and woman, what is respect, and who decides propriety, I interpreted that being in the role of a minority member – a Lebanese-American in Lebanon – I had done wrong.

This conclusion disregarded my personal convictions about what a relationship should be, and persons’ rights therein. For example, I knew it was wrong that I was being blamed for someone “looking” at me or for going out with my friends to the pubs or having male friends or having a past. His conclusions were unfair and misogynistic – and due to his interpretations of who I would/should be as a wife. But I could not accept that he couldn’t “accept me” as I was! Culture clashes could be fixed!

So I shunned my convictions, in that confused and devastated state of mind, believing instead that I could have done a better job of showing him that I loved him – I should have been more sensitive to him as a person, and also as a Lebanese man. I should have asked more questions. Ignored less. I lost him and it was my fault, and I believed that.  I could be better. And perhaps my liberal ways, which America had taught me, needed to be put in check.

It’s funny and true: “When in Rome…” In this case, “When in Lebanon…”

As a Lebanese-American, I always shunned the decision to marry someone after a short period, in this case just 3 months, which is usually the time it takes to move past being polite! But this is normal in the Arab world. The implications are that you should know in a short time if someone fits the bill – and if you’re good on paper and you can stand the way he smells, why not! I was willing to turn myself over to a foreign life, in this foreign way, even though many of my 30-something Lebanese counterparts were past this, having fought the endless taboos our culture had drilled into us since we said Hello World. Today, revolutionaries march through Beirut, to the beats of their determined drums to be who they are and demand what they believe. Yet, despite all of the growing, traveling, learning, and experiencing, I somehow felt secure following this traditional, easy, “safe” route, which manipulatively whispered, this is your best bet. I was charmed by the comfortable duo of all that is Lebanese in the Lebanese man and at the same time all that he adopted from the outside. I was seduced by this person’s desire to sweep me up as quickly as possible and “take care of me.” I had never thought I would accept to be in this position, nor had I ever felt the inclination to. I figured it was love.

It’s a year later. And as in war, in love there are always wins and losses that must be accounted for. What did I lose?  Tolerance, respect, patience for that which only serves itself. I lost a portion of my naivete. Trust. I lost myself for a while. Eventually, I lost the fear of being who I am.

I won. A deeper insight into the differences between here and there. A life-changing look into the true people my family members are, and embrace of their unconditional love. The wise words of my friends. I gained the friendship of a few strong Arab women with whom I feel solidarity. I gained a fire in my heart that promises to burn that which resembles the flimsy convictions that only serve particular groups of people at the demise of others, and a fire that keeps me believing that we all deserve better.

So, no, this is not a tribute to an anniversary, a repetition, a re-run. No, this is a tribute to change that develops from all that hasn’t changed.

To be continued…

My post-break reading list – chosen for their titles

Astonishing Splashes of Colour, Clare Morrall

Old School, Tobias Wolf

Country of Men, Hisham Matar

Yellow, Janni Visman

The Human Stain, Philip Roth